Well, I’ve finally moved to San Jose. It was a both out of opportunity and necessity. Opportunity in that a church friend knew of a vacancy. Necessity in that my body was having difficulty keeping up with the kind of schedule that I was demanding from it.

Working from 5am to 3pm in and of itself can take it out of a guy. Throw in evening classes, taking over leading praise team again, and now shepherding and teaching for the new Friday flocks at church, and by the time the end of the week rolls around, I feel like the tank is bone dry, and the sleep debt needs to be repaid with compound interest. Add in work on Saturdays (hopefully not for too much longer!), and by Saturday evening the week really needs to end.

At least now I won’t have to do the commute back and forth from Daly City to the South Bay. Phew.

Have I been tired? Unbelievably so.

Have I been burned out? Only when I was working for the approval of man.

I don’t share all this to brag about my discipline, impress you with the amount of activity in my life, or draw your sympathies. I share because of a deep conviction that has formed in my heart about the nature of work, ministry, and burnout.

The past year, I’ve thought a lot about the idea of burnout. I found it hard to reconcile what I knew about the nature of work and service to God and our standard assumptions about what constitutes burning out and trying to guard ourselves from that.

Many a time, I have written long posts elaborating on the issue, most of which I have not published, not because anything I’ve written has been inaccurate (as far as I can tell), but because I felt my heart was not in the right place when writing.

A few months ago, I looked ahead and saw that I would have more on my plate than ever before, and that if there was ever a time to really evaluate my convictions on burning out, this would be the time to do it.

For the past few months, I’ve really lived at the edge of my capacity, but have mustered up as much discipline as I can, and have perpetually checked my heart as to what was driving me.

When working for the Lord, I was exhausted but wanted to work even harder.

When working for myself and for the approval of men, I was tired and also irritable, grumbling, and stressed out.

Yes, lots of activity tends to make us more prone to stress and burnout, but at the same time, I don’t want less activity to be a veil to hide a heart that is working out of a fear of man, or for self glory. Let’s not deal with the triggers, but with the heart problems.

For example, a friend of mine has a car that will start shaking unnaturally if driven above 50 mph (or something like that, I forget the exact speed). At speeds under 50 miles an hour, the car doesn’t shake, but that doesn’t mean that its fixed.

Would we say that there is a problem with the speed? Or would we say that there is a problem with the car? I think the answer to this questions reveals my conviction on burnout.

Like the car that shakes at speeds over 50mph, a heart that reveals anxiety in times of heavy activity is hidden in times of less activity, but problem is still there.

We look at those who are are feeling the burdens of work and ministry, and we have the tendency to say that they are doing too much, that they should scale back. I would completely agree, but at the same time, the level of activity isn’t the problem, it simply exposes the problem.

They problem isn’t the speed, the problem is under the hood. Let’s not be content to simply drive under 50mph and call that wisdom. Sure, drive slowly for now, but not to the neglect of taking the engine to the mechanic, to diagnose what is driving the heart.

In John 4, Christ himself said that his food was to do the will of Him who sent him. He said that he derived his sustenance from working. He said this when he was tired. We know he was tired because Scripture tells us he was tired (vs 6). We know he was hungry because the disciples were gone buying food (vs 8). We know he was thirsty because he asked the woman at the well for a drink (vs. 7).

Christ was not burned out, but it wasn’t because he was reserving himself in his ministry and carefully monitoring his workload. Rather at the peak of his tiredness – being hungry and thirsty – he was still furiously pursuing this woman’s heart. He was wearied, but yet his heart burned with the desire to do the will of the Father, because it was doing the Father’s will that sustained him.

The times that I had it hardest over the past few months were the times that I was trying to appear a certain way before men. I wanted to be the guy who could handle everything. I wanted to be the guy who was smart enough, disciplined enough, driven enough, strong enough, and talented enough to do everything and be awesome at it.

I wanted people to look at me and see superman. That is not an easy expectation to live up to. But how I tried.

I was driving over 50mph with a broken engine.

By God’s sovereignty, my body told me that I was being stupid and I couldn’t keep up what I was doing when I got sick a few weeks back. Apparently I’m not superhuman, and I ignored the memo.

But the primary issue is the heart. Would a heart that is seeking to please God really neglect rest because it fears what people think? Not likely. Would a heart that desires to please God take on tasks in the church that he cannot do faithfully because he fears what people think? Probably not.

Its fine to drive over 50mph, and I think we are meant to do that, whatever 50mph might mean. But we all have troublesome engines. Fortunately, we have a great mechanic, and must not neglect regular tuneups. This is what will ensure that we can continue to drive as we are meant to.

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