I love my church.

To my shame, I have not always been able to say this with full sincerity. Sure, there have been moments of deep appreciation for the church and its members, but my experience with the church plant has been one that has been characterized by commitment, principle, dogged devotion, and even gratitude, but dare I say it – not by love.

I consider myself a man of principle and conviction. When the church plant first started, I was fully committed in deed and action. It was something I had committed to, I knew it was the right place for me, I knew it was something that I wanted to be a part of. But my heart wasn’t fully there.

Last week, I evaluated myself through the lens of Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of the Spirit – at the very top of the list stands the characteristic of love.

After looking at myself as honestly as I could manage against the lens of Scripture, I was crushed to realize how little love I have for the church that I helped to plant.

What am I doing wrong? Am I not serving the church? Am I not consistent? Am I not faithful? Do I not do my part? Don’t I lead praise on Fridays and serve on Sundays? Don’t I teach Bible Studies? Don’t I lead small groups? Don’t I try to draw people’s eyes toward God and Christ?

Am I not “doing” all that I can to be a part of this?

During our Superflock Christmas party on Friday, Pastor John shared some thoughts, basically baring his pastoral heart. Seeing his heart showed me clearly what was wrong with mine.

Love isn’t doing. Love is giving.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Eph 5:25

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Jn 3:16

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Gal 2:20

Doing is just an action. Giving entails a real cost.

A hired hand can do an action. But a shepherd will give.

When did I become so small-hearted? When did I become so unwilling to give of myself to love others, and not just out of principle?

Yesterday, as I spent time with people from church, I was humbled. I realized how much my church has cared for me and in comparison, how little love I have for my church, and how little of myself I actually “give” to others.

I’ve been doing a lot, but not giving a lot. And therefore, not loving a lot.

But as I consciously began to turn my mind and my thoughts outward to those around me, I wanted to give.

I, for one, am sick of being small hearted: caring only about what benefits me, only caring about people with whom I get along, doing only what I am comfortable with, or convenient for me.

I can fully attest that it is tremendously painful to be large-hearted: to care deeply for others, give of yourself for them, inconvenience yourself for them, sacrifice what is valuable for them, put yourself on the line for them, only to be unappreciated, misunderstood, or even criticized and taken advantage of.

But I can also attest that to live small heartedly is to live without a pulse. It is to grow distant and numb, to a point where you don’t feel anything but apathy.

The choice is clear, yet not so easy. To be alive and hurt or dead and numb?

I feel as if my heart has been called back from being in a coma. I’m always cautious to say that I’m fully back on track after realizing things like this, because I know that real change takes time to root itself in someone’s life, and I tend to distrust good intentions, even in my own heart (actually, especially in my own heart). But I have definitely turned a corner.

I love my church.

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